Monday, September 29, 2008
A Father's Tribute
We often think that if a child turns out well, the parents must have done a good job. I think the opposite is true, too: a good child can make any parent look good! Sometimes I think this was the case with Devon. She had a quality about her—subtle, like a little breeze—that made everyone around her feel good and be better. Her infectious smile and joyful spirit left an indelible mark on all of us. As a daughter, she could make a good father out of a most ordinary man.
When Devon was two we took her to Flintstones Park in the Black Hills of South Dakota. She loved all the characters—Fred, Wilma, Bamm Bamm, Dino, Hoppy and the Great Gazoo—but her favorite was Pebbles. She ran up to Pebbles and gave her a big hug. She and Pebbles looked like twins, so from that day on I called her Pebbles. That was a happy moment, one of thousands I’ve had with her. For the rest of her life I’d call her Pebbles just for fun and she’d sign my father’s day cards or birthday cards, “Love, Devon, Your Pebbles.”
It is easy to idealize Devon. From her earliest days in social activities—whether it was hugging a Flintstone, playing with her friends or being part of more formal organizations, like soccer teams, Indian Maidens, ballet class, or a Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz—she could read the cues of people around her and respond appropriately—a hug for those who needed one, a pass to someone in the open field, sharing a bullfrog with a friend who couldn’t find one on her own. She had a finely tuned social intelligence.
Throughout her childhood Devon developed as if she were on autopilot. We only had to feed and clothe her and drive her to her activities—school, soccer, the dentist, a friend’s house—and then pick her up later when it was time. She was so independent—I should say, healthily interdependent—that she almost evolved on her own. I felt lucky to be such a participant-observer in a loving child’s life. The job seemed simple: Support Devon in doing what she wanted. Follow her: she knows where she’s going! As someone posted on her blog, Devon was “a person you couldn’t say no to!” –either because you knew she was right or you knew if you did say no, you’d regret it later! She had, as someone else wrote, “the ability to gently disarm you” without your knowing it and recruiting you into her service. Devon was an easy child to raise, if ‘raise” is the right word. She had advanced leadership skills by age 9!
I was fortunate to be Devon’s father, though at times I felt I had to live up to some pretty high standards! She literally showed me ways to be better at what I am, as a person, a father and a teacher. Three years ago, she showed me how to make PowerPoint presentations and set up my own blog! I was an old-school chalk and blackboard professor and a simple writer! I had fun with the new skills she gave me. I made nice slide presentations for my classes and wrote a lot of illustrated essays on the blog she set up for me. She was a good teacher, very patient with her forgetful and slow-learning dad, emailing me the same instructions over and over again on how to grade papers online using the Insert and Comment features.
Devon seemed born with the ability to do the right thing at the right time. She had a built-in guidance system, an awareness of the moment, of being in the moment, and of knowing whom she was with. While she was accepting of life, she was driven as an artist is driven to shape the stuff of life into the image of her ideals. She was unstoppable in the pursuit of her goals. When The Lion King came out on DVD in 1994, she persuaded me to buy it and watch it with her. It was about a father lion, Mufasa, and his son, Simba, and how the son had to overcome conflict within himself to rise up and take his rightful place in the pride, in “the circle of life.” She knew I’d like it because of my work conducting fatherhood workshops. She knew I’d connect with the story’s theme, voiced by Simba’s slain father in deep tones coming down from a darkened sky: “Simba, look inside yourself. You have forgotten who you are. Look deep. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.” Devon was 14 at the time and I was going through some personal struggles. Following her instincts, she led me to look inside myself through this animated drama and be more than what I had become. That afternoon I wrote an essay about fatherhood which was later published in the Fresno Bee. We all have emotionally significant events in our life, personal turning points, small bursts of insight—or, in this case, a quantum leap of understanding! Being nudged by Devon, driving with her to the store, buying this DVD, watching it with her at home, and then writing an essay that integrated for me my place in the “circle of life”—this was a major emotionally significant event. I imagine for Devon, watching and enjoying a DVD with dad, it was something deeper, too.
One of the more memorable moments I’ve had with Devon occurred the day she came home from school after having a unit in world religions. She was 16. She asked me, “Dad, What am I.”
We had never been active in any organized church or religion, so, given the context of her question, I said, “Well, you are whatever you choose to be. It’s your decision to make.” She then asked, “Well, what are you?” This was more difficult. I described my childhood identity growing up in a large, devout Irish-German Catholic family and how I had de-activated that identity during my university years and replaced it with something more philosophical and nebulous, like an existential-humanistic-phenomenological view of myself and the world. I then got concrete and told her that I was simply trying to live my life by being honest, caring, fair, hard-working and open-minded…with the emphasis on “trying.” I’m sure I lost her with the abstract mumbo jumbo talk, but she did get the basics—honesty, caring, hard-working, fair. I sometimes wonder if she learned to be these things or if they were just in her DNA! What struck me most about this discussion, though—the “teachable moment,” as we call it—is that she asked ME what she was. I thought of how much trust we place in people when we ask them to explain to us who we are. We wouldn’t ask a stranger, “Who am I?” Only someone we trust. I felt another notch of responsibility in this moment and sensed, too, that a shift had occurred in Devon’s development: She was seriously probing the depths of her spiritual identity.
Over the next 12 years, on up until her very last week, Devon continued working out her own answers to the question of who she was. Judging by her writings, the perceptions we all have of her, and the way she conducted herself on the last day of her life, it’s clear she succeeded in achieving a self-confident and well-integrated view of herself. She was authentic, genuine, exuberant and real—a measuring stick of how we might be. A mirror: In her we saw a reflection of pure principles—honesty, fairness, compassion, love of others, intelligence, organization, efficiency, confidence, competence, a great work ethic—the qualities of a beautiful and well functioning human being! How profound is her loss, how deeply we will miss her!
For Devon there were no complaints, no excuses. She believed we are as much the producers of our own destiny as we are products of our past. We are not victims, not martyrs, but determined men and women facing with vision, discipline and moral purpose every challenge life places in our way. She understood that we are interconnected with each other, whether we want to be or not. She was empathic yet maintained healthy boundaries. Her life exemplified how we continually create ourselves through our choices—in school, in friendships, in our work, in all our relations. We either do the right thing or we learn to do it. Even on the very last day of her life, she was trying to get nurses and doctors and her parents to do the right thing, directing us to rub here or there on her neck, organizing in her mind how she was going to get to work next week and use that giant desk and the table and chairs she had us gather from all around Los Angeles to get her work done.
But it was not meant to be.
“There comes a point in everybody’s life,” the novelist James Patterson wrote, “when you realize the stakes have suddenly changed. The carefree ride of your life slams into a stone wall and all those years of bouncing along, of life taking you where you want to go, abruptly end.” So it was with Devon—an abrupt and cataclysmic end to such a meaningful, vibrant life.
Maybe the most enduring lesson to be drawn from Devon’s life is about love and friendship. I experienced Devon’s love and friendship in a very special way, as everyone else did in their own special way. To me she was not just a good daughter—she had become in the end, a very special friend. The poet Gibran wrote that one effect of friendship is “the deepening of the spirit” and that when we part from a friend we needn’t grieve too long, for “that which we love in our friend may be clearer in her absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” Today, Devon is the mountain and we are standing on the plain.
Louis F. Markert
Asako Kudo-Markert, Devon's Step-Mother
I want to share my memories about Devon.
The first time I met Devon was at a soccer field. She was 16 years old. It was in the fall of 1996. I had just come from Japan to begin working on my master’s at Fresno State to become a psychotherapist. Devon immediately accepted me as her dad’s girlfriend and welcomed me. We lived together 1.5 years, mostly during her senior year in high school. She was always active and having fun with her friends. Her daily life was filled with friends and activities. She came home from school, had her friends over or went out with them, or she studied, went for running, or relaxed in her room. She was also a very good student and efficient in her studies. I remember that she didn’t want to do swimming in the PE class because the chlorine turned her hair green. When I cooked, she said, “Eeh!” to seaweed and Japanese food, but loved my blueberry cheesecake. One day Devon began screaming, “Daddy! A storm came to my room!” Then, her dad vacuumed her room. After that, I could finally see the pink carpet on the floor. I had many culture shocks, including having the big dog Morticai sleeping on devon’s bed and seeing Devon making a green or purple color cake, but it was fun. I wish I could have spoken English then like I do now so we could have more conversations.
I remember our short trips. Once Lou, me, Devon and Stephanie went horseback riding in the mountains above Huntington Lake. Another time we camped out at Yosemite. The girls hiked up Half Dome. At night a raccoon tried to steal Devon’s backpack. When she was graduating from high school, she and I went downtown in Fresno to choose a dress for her prom. Lou and I attended a special dinner for Honor Students at her high school. I am glad that I was able to be a substitute mom for her while Di was working hard in LA.
When Devon went to Santa Barbara, she totally enjoyed her life there. She was blossoming into a talented, attractive and extroverted woman. She traveled all over the world, making friends everywhere. She loved people and people loved her. She learned life skills from her friends, particularly Tonya, who became her roommate and confidante and greatest role model.
In 2002 my brother was married in Japan and my mom invited Dev to the wedding as a gift for her graduation. At that time she was in Spain finishing up her school. My family loved Devon and she enjoyed Japan. She wore a traditional kimono and looked very beautiful. She also experienced a tea ceremony at my friend’s home. This was particularly special because very few homes have a tea room. She enjoyed traditional Japanese food, but didn’t say, “Eeh!” this time. One day she took a picture of a public toilet in Tokyo. It had a button to make a flashing noise to disguise the natural sounds of our going to the bathroom. She was impressed how sensitive Japanese were to each other, even in the toilet. We shared a lot of fun and many funny moments like these during our two week vacation in Japan.
At their wedding party, Devon and Noureddin looked very happy. They developed their friendship and deepened their love in Long Beach. She became an excellent ESL teacher. One of my Japanese friends was her student and always told me how efficient and wonderful Devon was as a teacher. I knew she was capable and was very proud of her.
Devon was a wonderful step-daughter to me. I felt that I was like her step-mom/big sis/aunt/friend. I wasn’t sure who I was for her but it didn’t matter. We had a good relationship. She was definitely my family. She will be missed forever. When I saw a young girl wearing new style pants, I caught myself thinking like, “Oh, this might be good on Dev.” Then I felt very sad that I don’t have her any more. We have to keep our life without her, not just living but living fully and alive because this is also what Devon would want us to do. Devon, thank you for being my step-daughter.
I also want to say a special thanks to Devon’s co-workers, Karla, Portia and John, and all the teachers and staff at Torrance Unified School District, for all that they did during Devon’s illness. Also, a special thanks to all her and Noureddin’s friends for all you’ve done to make Devon happy during this past year and a half. Because of all of you, Devon was able survive and enjoy her life. And last, a special thanks to Tonya, Stephanie and Christian for organizing and coordinating Devon’s memorial service. Devon left her will, asking them to do so because she was concerned that Noureddin and the parents would be too grieving. She was right…again! Devon must be very grateful and proud of you guys.
Thank you so much.
The first time I met Devon was at a soccer field. She was 16 years old. It was in the fall of 1996. I had just come from Japan to begin working on my master’s at Fresno State to become a psychotherapist. Devon immediately accepted me as her dad’s girlfriend and welcomed me. We lived together 1.5 years, mostly during her senior year in high school. She was always active and having fun with her friends. Her daily life was filled with friends and activities. She came home from school, had her friends over or went out with them, or she studied, went for running, or relaxed in her room. She was also a very good student and efficient in her studies. I remember that she didn’t want to do swimming in the PE class because the chlorine turned her hair green. When I cooked, she said, “Eeh!” to seaweed and Japanese food, but loved my blueberry cheesecake. One day Devon began screaming, “Daddy! A storm came to my room!” Then, her dad vacuumed her room. After that, I could finally see the pink carpet on the floor. I had many culture shocks, including having the big dog Morticai sleeping on devon’s bed and seeing Devon making a green or purple color cake, but it was fun. I wish I could have spoken English then like I do now so we could have more conversations.
I remember our short trips. Once Lou, me, Devon and Stephanie went horseback riding in the mountains above Huntington Lake. Another time we camped out at Yosemite. The girls hiked up Half Dome. At night a raccoon tried to steal Devon’s backpack. When she was graduating from high school, she and I went downtown in Fresno to choose a dress for her prom. Lou and I attended a special dinner for Honor Students at her high school. I am glad that I was able to be a substitute mom for her while Di was working hard in LA.
When Devon went to Santa Barbara, she totally enjoyed her life there. She was blossoming into a talented, attractive and extroverted woman. She traveled all over the world, making friends everywhere. She loved people and people loved her. She learned life skills from her friends, particularly Tonya, who became her roommate and confidante and greatest role model.
In 2002 my brother was married in Japan and my mom invited Dev to the wedding as a gift for her graduation. At that time she was in Spain finishing up her school. My family loved Devon and she enjoyed Japan. She wore a traditional kimono and looked very beautiful. She also experienced a tea ceremony at my friend’s home. This was particularly special because very few homes have a tea room. She enjoyed traditional Japanese food, but didn’t say, “Eeh!” this time. One day she took a picture of a public toilet in Tokyo. It had a button to make a flashing noise to disguise the natural sounds of our going to the bathroom. She was impressed how sensitive Japanese were to each other, even in the toilet. We shared a lot of fun and many funny moments like these during our two week vacation in Japan.
At their wedding party, Devon and Noureddin looked very happy. They developed their friendship and deepened their love in Long Beach. She became an excellent ESL teacher. One of my Japanese friends was her student and always told me how efficient and wonderful Devon was as a teacher. I knew she was capable and was very proud of her.
Devon was a wonderful step-daughter to me. I felt that I was like her step-mom/big sis/aunt/friend. I wasn’t sure who I was for her but it didn’t matter. We had a good relationship. She was definitely my family. She will be missed forever. When I saw a young girl wearing new style pants, I caught myself thinking like, “Oh, this might be good on Dev.” Then I felt very sad that I don’t have her any more. We have to keep our life without her, not just living but living fully and alive because this is also what Devon would want us to do. Devon, thank you for being my step-daughter.
I also want to say a special thanks to Devon’s co-workers, Karla, Portia and John, and all the teachers and staff at Torrance Unified School District, for all that they did during Devon’s illness. Also, a special thanks to all her and Noureddin’s friends for all you’ve done to make Devon happy during this past year and a half. Because of all of you, Devon was able survive and enjoy her life. And last, a special thanks to Tonya, Stephanie and Christian for organizing and coordinating Devon’s memorial service. Devon left her will, asking them to do so because she was concerned that Noureddin and the parents would be too grieving. She was right…again! Devon must be very grateful and proud of you guys.
Thank you so much.
Carlee Barnes
My mind has been working tirelessly to try to understand and grasp Devon’s death since I saw her on Friday. I think it keeps on trying to search for a reason or a cause but it is exhaustingly inexplainable. Instead, I have tried to focus on what Devon has taught me and her legacy and keeping about an intention to retain her spark through my actions. I met Devon through Ruthie when she was living in the Alvocado. I had mentioned that I love the apartments in the complex and she invited me up right away. It was like we had known each other for years – she was so open and generous and like a child who shows a friend that comes over their room – their personal space – we became friends instantly. I thought it was amazing that her and Noureddin spoke to each other in their second language – Spanish and I thought she was amazing for her passion for English Language Learners. I was new to Long Beach and Ruthie and Devon and I were on a mission to have girl time whenever possible. We started a book club, and by book club I mean we all bought the same book – Love in the Time of Cholera – but I was the only person to actually finish it…it was an ongoing joke for a while…
I keep finding little gifts that Devon had given me and holding on to them even tighter now. she made me a keychain when my son was 3 months old. My son is almost 3 and I haven’t changed the picture and I don’t intend to – she told me what a pain it was to cut out the pictures to fit inside the flower-like design and I know she probably spent quite a bit of time on it knowing her…it was so thoughtful – for no reason she gave that to me – that was Devon. Her gift-giving abilities like Ruthie said were truly amazing. They showed her thoughtfulness and also her ingenuity – I passed by a Big Lots today and cried…she was amazing at finding the best stuff at that store and always bragged about it – always updated us on hidden sales and Costco specials. Along with her gift giving her planning was also impressive. I read some of her co-workers blog entries and laughed because when ruth and devon babysat my son once devon turned it into a power point presentation! Whenever I was having a party I called Devon and Ruth to help. They are the only people I know that drool over to do lists and planning…she always had ideas – she even knew where I should get a hula dancer for my husband’s 30th luau party. This was her list for me to do… she basically planned the whole party complete with recipes…
Hey C,
This is what I recommend:
· rent tables and chairs
· get table cloths, plates, napkins at big lots
· at costco get silverware, hawaiian rolls, alcohol, frozen meatballs, brie, veggie plate, cut up and canned pineapple, clear plastic cups, water bottles. they have lots of flowers too that would be good as center pieces.
· at trader joes get mango chutney
· at smart & final they have sweet and sour sauce and other party stuff that costco doesnt have.
appetizers
· shrimp (recipe from allrecipes)
· sweet and sour meatballs
· mango chutney brie (recipe from allrecipes)
· veggie plate
drinks
· I recommed making a large bunch of alcoholic punch, a bunch of hawaiian martinis and get the beer of people's choice
· water bottles
·
Love,
Devon
I am going to miss her so much. It goes beyond saying how unfair it is. She had an entire life ahead of her. I want to honor her through my life in little ways by her generous and thoughtful spirit – through her sense of humor and positive outlook – through her happiness and contentedness through her contagious smile and resourcefulness. I won’t be able to do it half as well as she did, but maybe through practice i can be better at it.
With much love,
Carlee
I keep finding little gifts that Devon had given me and holding on to them even tighter now. she made me a keychain when my son was 3 months old. My son is almost 3 and I haven’t changed the picture and I don’t intend to – she told me what a pain it was to cut out the pictures to fit inside the flower-like design and I know she probably spent quite a bit of time on it knowing her…it was so thoughtful – for no reason she gave that to me – that was Devon. Her gift-giving abilities like Ruthie said were truly amazing. They showed her thoughtfulness and also her ingenuity – I passed by a Big Lots today and cried…she was amazing at finding the best stuff at that store and always bragged about it – always updated us on hidden sales and Costco specials. Along with her gift giving her planning was also impressive. I read some of her co-workers blog entries and laughed because when ruth and devon babysat my son once devon turned it into a power point presentation! Whenever I was having a party I called Devon and Ruth to help. They are the only people I know that drool over to do lists and planning…she always had ideas – she even knew where I should get a hula dancer for my husband’s 30th luau party. This was her list for me to do… she basically planned the whole party complete with recipes…
Hey C,
This is what I recommend:
· rent tables and chairs
· get table cloths, plates, napkins at big lots
· at costco get silverware, hawaiian rolls, alcohol, frozen meatballs, brie, veggie plate, cut up and canned pineapple, clear plastic cups, water bottles. they have lots of flowers too that would be good as center pieces.
· at trader joes get mango chutney
· at smart & final they have sweet and sour sauce and other party stuff that costco doesnt have.
appetizers
· shrimp (recipe from allrecipes)
· sweet and sour meatballs
· mango chutney brie (recipe from allrecipes)
· veggie plate
drinks
· I recommed making a large bunch of alcoholic punch, a bunch of hawaiian martinis and get the beer of people's choice
· water bottles
·
Love,
Devon
I am going to miss her so much. It goes beyond saying how unfair it is. She had an entire life ahead of her. I want to honor her through my life in little ways by her generous and thoughtful spirit – through her sense of humor and positive outlook – through her happiness and contentedness through her contagious smile and resourcefulness. I won’t be able to do it half as well as she did, but maybe through practice i can be better at it.
With much love,
Carlee
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Maria
Devon was my computer teacher at Griffith Adult School, and writing about her breaks my heart. She was a wonderful person who inspired and influence many people around her, and when I think of her the very first thing that comes to my mind is her smile, so I a smile too. I still remember the way she used to talk to me and I feel her supporting hand resting on my shoulder. She was so sweet that really hurts to think that she’s gone. I know she is in heaven surrounded by angels welcoming her. She’ll never be forgotten. She’ll be always in my heart.
With Great Sadness my Deepest Condolence,
Maria
With Great Sadness my Deepest Condolence,
Maria
Andrea Brodsly
I worked with Diane in the early 90's while she was at Jefferson in Clovis. I remember her talking about her kids all the time, being involved in the kids soccer. It is hard to believe that her little girl had grown up to be a teacher just like her mom. I am so sorry to hear of Devon's passing. My thoughts will be with you.
Andrea Brodsly
Andrea Brodsly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)